How We Connect – The Art of Conversation and the Power of Noticing

In our last blog, we explored the idea that connection is what makes us human. It’s the heartbeat of Habitus. But connection doesn’t just happen—it’s created, moment by moment, through the way we speak, listen, and respond to each other.

At the centre of it all is conversation. And conversation, done well, is more than just words—it’s how we say “I see you.”

🔄 The Matching Principle: What Kind of Conversation Are You In?

In Supercommunicators, journalist Charles Duhigg explains that most conversations fall into one of three categories:

1. Practical – focused on solving problems ("helped")

2. Emotional – focused on understanding and expressing feelings ("hugged")

3. Social – focused on belonging and connection ("heard")

Miscommunication often happens when we mismatch. We give advice when someone needs empathy. Or we stay light when someone is trying to go deep. Supercommunicators learn to listen not just to the words, but to the type of conversation unfolding—and to match it with their response.

👂 The Power of Noticing (and Listening)

Connection doesn’t start with speaking. It starts with noticing—how someone is standing, their tone of voice, their energy. But more importantly, it starts with listening.

Not listening to reply.

Listening to understand.

And once we’ve listened, the next step is to ask a question that proves we’ve heard them. That’s what builds trust.

When we ask thoughtful follow-ups, we send a powerful message:

“You matter. I’m listening. I care.”

And if we go one step further—sharing a bit of our own emotional response—it deepens the bond:

“That sounds tough. I remember feeling the same way when I moved too—kind of untethered.”

This is how connection happens. Not in grand moments—but in these small signals of emotional presence.

💬 Beyond Small Talk: Questions That Build Real Connection

At Habitus, we want to help people move beyond surface-level chat. That doesn’t mean diving into the deepest parts of your soul right away—but it does mean asking better questions.

Try starting with some of these at Parkrun or your next community activity:

• “What do you like about Parkrun?”

• “What activities have you been doing lately?”

• “Are you a member of any clubs?”

• “Are there any activities on the Habitus website you might like to try one day?”

• “How do you think you could give back to your community?”

Then, when the moment feels right, try asking deeper, more emotionally engaging questions like:

• “What’s something you love about where you live?”

• “Are you glad you chose your current job or career path?”

• “Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet?”

• “When do you feel most like yourself?”

• “What kind of people do you feel most comfortable around?”

These questions don’t pry. They invite reflection. They signal that you're not just making small talk—you’re opening space for something real.

🤝 The Science of Intimacy: Fast Friends in 36 Questions

Psychologists Arthur Aron and colleagues developed something called the Fast Friends procedure—a series of 36 questions that gradually deepen vulnerability and connection between strangers. Some of the questions include:

• “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”

• “What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?”

• “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”

• “If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?”

• “What’s your most treasured memory?”

These questions work because they encourage shared openness, not interrogation. They remind us that deep connection isn’t built on performance—it’s built on presence.

You don’t have to go through all 36 questions in one sitting (though it’s surprisingly powerful). Just knowing that asking more, and asking deeper, can change how we connect—is a good place to start.

🪁 Conversation Is a Craft, Not a Competition

At Habitus, we believe that conversation isn’t about being impressive. It’s about being present. It’s not a competition to be interesting—it’s an opportunity to be interested.

So next time you’re walking alongside someone new, ask a question.

Then really listen.

Then follow up.

Then share a little of yourself in return.

That’s how we connect.

That’s how we build community.